pathethic human

m feeling very lonely , i cant tel ,
i realy cant tell ,
how strange this al is, u cant share ur sorrow with any one,
u have to walk alone in d barren sun ,
ahhhhha !!!... i advice all never to share any secret wd any ,
no matter how mch close that person is he wil take them as ur weakness,

m veryyy .....
i dnt know wat to write ,
wat exectly i am,
i wer thinking and i realized that the hope of meeting wd him is so mch 4 me,
i thiink ,wat if father had another istekhara and that turned wrong!
my soul shievered on this,
i dnt want to meet him wd his those astray islamic thoughts , but stil............
i wsh to meet him in eternity,
he is mine and wil always b mine and in my heart inshaAllah,

only Allah swt can guide any ,
m too feeble 4 it ,
ahhaa
how strange?
live wd ur sadness and zip ur tounge ! never tel any ur secret....

die wd pain..........
pathethic

nothing..

tujhay dil say may nay chaha ,kiya yehi meri saza hay?.........................
.............................
...................

wrong again

nothing overs,
:)

this al begun like this.......

where to start ,dont know,
not getting any word to start with ,
...
.....
.......
regret! it always accompany human race,
all time pass away ...
but memories remains there,
to keep feeling us sorry for our wrong deeds...
thnx to Allah swt's mercy which never ends.

life was all good, it was full of every kind of joy,
i dont know what got wrong with me that i thought about chating...
maybe its so because v immature buddies often
find it too hilarious to do the things our elders stop us from ,
same was the case here,
i started it just like an expedition...
thinking that i could change ppl's heart ,
i could earn lot of reward by converting a non-muslim into muslim...
but ha!  i was unaware that the satan is weaving a net of sins for me ...

yes... i .....
wel ,dont know what to write...

everything changed, upside down ,
my life fully impacted by that incident.

from 57-49 kg , i dont know what actualy became the source of
this weight loss.

but i dont understand , y that happened with us
v even never wished for..
but stil i think that was best...
that remove form my heart even the speck like thought
of taking myself as a good muslimah and a better muslim.
no , i dont think like that any more.
im the worse of creature now in all the Allah's creation.

and i love this sence now,
taking myself as an outcast , totaly on Allah's mercy.

hey!y right eye is shedding of  water and left eye not?
maybe eye sickness.

how this ruined my life,
i tel u how,
after i revealed this secret on my family that ...........
i lost everything,
and when my family started accepthing this ....
....
he gone...saying that
"its the best time to leave"
and also ,he hurted alot, for no reason ,
i didnt hurt him , i just prayed for hhim,
but he hated me bcuz i follow the Prophet's sunnah,
but.....
what take him too long to tel me about this hatred?
since he knew it the very first day,
but he said me at the begginning that he liked good muslimah,
and when i shared with him the hijab nasheed ,he said he liked
the thought of it.

but suddenly his views changed,
he turned so different after coming to his homeland,
dont know y?

was that my emmemce love that make him proud of himself,
and arrogant and rude with me?
bcuz he knew that i wouldd never b able to leave him?
but who knows that the departed person wil never return again ...

how it ruined me life?!!!
myself ask from me ,
and tel how.
when i massage my mother or serve her the other way ,
she gave me dua,saying,
"Allah swt hum subko hadayet day ,
imaan ki dolat day ,
deeno dunya dono bohot achi karay ,
"siraf apni muhabbet day or shermo-haya day""
i feel so much bad for myself that even "aameen"stuck in my throat.
its just like"chor kay baloon mat tinka"

i feel sory for my life,
but yet the pain is more than the regret.
i dont want to get in relation with any man again,
loving them make them feel like they are some superficial creature,

i want to purify my life from this everlasting sin
from my blood, maybe that wipes away the traces of this sin from me....

i wil give zubda my doll ,nadeem bhai brought for me,
and i promised to give her if my "wish " came true,
the wish did come true half,
istekhara became +ve,
but then.......
everything take a turn ,totaly diferent,
and i found myself into totaly unexpecting location...
the crystal ball smashed now...
i wil give the doll to zubda and wil tel her
that take it ,my wish fullfilled.
yes, im ending this all by myself too,
he is ending some thing and im ending something too,
v both are building a wall between us so v can never
c each other again,
he acted rudly and i lied him teling that i told sis hafsa that u got engaged,
he is right, its better to end this all.

i have been so stupid , trying to handle this all alone,
lets smack this all now,
since v all go to separate graves, so better to live a life
without any one's thought too,
nobody suppose to live with us forever,
v are young now, wil b among the senior citizens in future.
again a youth wil stand there to laugh at us old.
everything runs fastly towards mortality

only Allah swt suppose to live for ever,
and only that succeed who live a life in full of his obedience,
yes!nobody can justify his worship,
nobody is free of sins apart from Prophets ,
thats y v are "humans" not "angles"
thats y Allah swt has given us "humans" more value that the others creatures,
for v are free to do deeds,
unlike others,

wel foreget about it ,for whom im writing all this?
i dont know,
its just like , im put all of my tension here,
he was the only person i share my pain with ,
i had never ,nor wil like to trust any one again and share my secret with ,
its best to share our secrest with our selves and with Lord,
and stilswt is there not to taunt at u,

He loves us,
He love our tears ,
He loves the break hearts,
HE loves those who repents ,
He loves those who return to him with their heads bowed down
out of great humility ,

He loves me....
though i m not worthy of it but stl
i hope he love me.....
for He is the only one who knows me best...

this is the end of my diary ...
which started from pain and ending like that too.

but there s the difference,
im not as sad as past,
though silent and quiet but finding myself more mature,
ready for the future ups and downs...

life! it would b good if i died in my childhood
none wil bear lot of tensions and sadness because of me.......

but....
my life is amanah ,
but !oh yes! i have sleeping pills in my bag now,
got them from hospital when doc gave it to mother,
no!not thinking about suicide,
but what if i take just one,
for a sleep with no one's thought at all?
wel lets c what happens...

i think Allah swt forgive us ppl who are stil sticking with
Prophet's sunnah ,for v are oppressed one,
in all the universe, no place is there for a true muslim,
they are called with the bad names,
not only strangers and kaffir but also the "modern" muslim of todays
like to mock at them ...
y?
y no body c all that blood?
y no one listens to oppressed?
y the tyrants are taken as peace keepers?
y the world is so blind?
why
why?

why?
for how long this all wil keep moving?

hopefully oneday i wil b driving car,
towards my final destination,
.........
hopefully
inshaAllah taalah
..........

ordinary day...

mother is ,,,,,,,,, not so wel,
dont know what wil happen next.

how quickly v becomes strangers with each other,
human race!is just a dilemma

lot of things to say but
better to leave them ....
a storm and then quickly silence.

im wearing dark blue dress now,
and today i done a light makeup too,
less than  15 min.

but im not enjoying looking at myself ,
dont know y,
my heart is getting away from makeup

lot of time i have wasted in learning this art,
just a useless hobby like my remainings one
...
nothing special ...

back..

im soo glad , finaly come back from hospital

nobody knows...

heart!
it has been broken in so many pieces that i think
i wil never be able to combine them again...

no! nothing else i wanna say ,
im a great sinner,
every one knows it too now,
24th!
yes im this now...

how more journey remains?...
nobody knows...
.....
nobody

only Allah swt knows best
....

silence...

yar dil bohot udas hay pata nahi kiyon,

bus kissi cheez may bhi maza nahi ata,sub kuch bayrang lagta hay ,

colorless or bilkul peekha .

even makeup looks so colorless.

pata nahi kiyon, dil per khamoshi chati ja rahi hay.

kahin dil nahi lagta.

dil khamosh hogaya hay, sochti hoon acha hota ager main kahin dunya say bohot door hoti, kisi jungle may ,bus siraf may or meray Allah taalah hotay or koi nahi , kitni haseen hoti na zindagi , jub koi gham na hota, nahi kisi ki judai ka na koi or bus siraf aik Allah swt ka gham hota, nahi abhi nahi ... shayed kuch waqat hay abhi rehta

kiyon, itni khamooshi kiyon hogaye hay? mout! kitni ajeeb shay hay na, judai! ussay bhi bara gham hay , zindagi bhi ajeeb shay hai, sari umer maqsood rehti hay mager jub mout ati hay tou sub kuch khamosh ho jata hay ,

kuch nahi ,bus kuch bhi nahi
, pehlay dil baychain rehta tha on his logging off
but now it remains quiet ,keep silent,
bus kuhc bhi nahi ,
i dont want to b a part of this world ,
 everything v touch just
her cheez bulbulay ki tarah suraj ki roshni may chamaknay k baad khattam hojati hay,
 bus siraf kuch dair rehti hay , ... her cheez fana hay ..... nahi dunya may koi hissa bhi nahi insaan ka, bus siraf Allah swt ki zaat baqi rehti hay ... i m fed off , just wanna tel everyone that ... i love all ,the only person i hate is myself.

things gone too worse

i was reading back to the last conversation v had...

and all that was so depressive,

he doesnt want me yet asks for the pics...
isnt its selfish i think...

wel i pray to Allah swt that help me to handle
this all in an islamic way...
and dont put me in his love so much that i start disobeying my Lord.

its ok for me....
let stop thinking about all this "love"
i think evil lies inside this love word.

ohkay!let me try to b patient..
sins are like this...its hard to get rid of them...

i longed for him ,....so what?
he said he lied to me and he wished for none...
im amazed...
so im nothing special to him just one of 100s,
he met in his life with.

its fine...
he said, u wil c u wil keep mailing me and i wont reply

and this is so true,
damn to time!
which  not passed quickly,...
it seems to me like a week has been passed since i didnt mail him
but when i count back its only a day...
...
his words are  proffing truth til now...

wel lets c what happens in future.

mother is not wel.
im depressed from her side..
so many hurdles ...with not a clear way to follow

may Allah swt removes this pain from mother
and gave her a longggggggggg healthy happy life
aameen sum aameen

nista...

what to write ,what to write aummm....

better not to write anything for,
i m realy not in mood.

hopefully mother wil b all well very soon inshaAllah taalah.

he is veryyyyyyyyyy angry ,i know it
i dont know what to do .

wel lets c what happens.

all is well.....

im in  a great trial,

i dont know what to do,

this is very tough

mind is full of confusion,

yes get free now,

im not geting from where to start,
just an infinite space is there,

.................
.........
i know when he displeased on something then
there are just two ways of his mood geting back good again,
either to fulfiled he demanded for
or .......
when he thought its better to end the anger now,

no other way, u cant bring him back in mood by other ways,
i think...

i wanna sleep now,
or maybe not,
suddenly feel tired and then quickly feel energetic.

hope mother wil be well very very soon
inshaAllah taalah

m so contented from inside,
chttan is so nice lady,
looking very caring ,polite and loving,
so it doesnt matter at al if v failed to meet khudanakhwasta
for in both cases he wil be very happy inshaAllah
either me or she,
it wil b equal for him,

he said me once that everyone loves the same way,
i didnt believe it before,
but now when i look around and observed,
i realized its so true,
every one loves the same way ,
so any other girl wil like him the same way as i do,
so no difference,
just faces wil be different but emotions behind them
wil be same,

i wish him best of luck ,
just best of luck,
may his fate b very shiny just like the
most brightest star on the sky,
full of happiness of both world just like rainbow colors
and piety and joy that tragvel through out his life with him
just like the fragrance of flower.
aameen sum aameen
birahmatika ya-arhamurrahimeen.

the truth is this that,
there remains no more emotions in my heart
its just like emptyness,
the reason of my anxiet and bopolarity was
the thought of to marry some one else,
but im contented now,
inshaAllah it wil not happen ,
i strongly strongly strongly
believe on Allah swt ,
who never leaves even his sinful slaves.

what else to write ......
ok im not getting,...

life turns very contented and peaceful
and calm
when one realize the power of Allah swt
and start trusting Him ,the all watcher
and most merciful towards his creatures,
for all the problems or matters  in life

O Allah swt! u r great!
no not great but greatest,
i dont worship u for u said it
but i worship u for u ought it,
its only u who ought to be worshipped
and who ought to b a God,
one and only God,
for u r not needy of anything,
Omnipotent ,great,
One and Only one,
i want u and love u
and i wish that
u may soon call back to u ,
i mean to jannah
i dont want to go to hell ,
for i meet devil daily ,
i dont want anymore to meet with him in hereafter in hell,
i dont miss him,
i only miss You, just you.
long departure is there,
i have been away from u for about 24 years
a decay!
wanna come back to u ,
in a way that u wil be pleased from me and i wil b pleased from u .
i know my love for u is so full of corouption
i disobey u while i claim i love u ,
but since u r Great!
so please forgive me ,
forgive this ignoble slave of urs
Please.......
i beg to You,
and comes to you while my tears have dried out,
and i find nothing precious to bring in ur court,
what all i have is just ur mercy
and also ...
ur Beloved's ummah is in such a meloncholic condition
i dont wanna b a spectator ,
watching al this tyranny silently
i cant and i dont want ......
...
O My Greatest Allah swt ...
gives health and long life to my parents...
and make my a.tr's life full of joy and imaan
and my siblings too
aameen sum aameen .

childhood...

bachpan k din bhi kitnay achay hotay thay...
tab tou sirf khilonay tota kertay thay...
ab tou ik anso bhi ruswa ker jata hay
bachpan may gee bher k roya kertay thay

:)

i wish.....

 yarr!!

this is not good,

u know wat!
when i saw him last?

it was late at night, of winter .
eshal was in my lap,
and i was looking at him,

he was looking.....

absolutly gorgeous,
i cant tel how much,
but that was the first and till now the last time
when he was realy looking like his uni. pic.

i often think he wil look more beautiful
and awesomeness in beard ,even  a short beard,
for whatever but beard is the sign of manliness
and it realy  bring a special kind of softness on face,
maybe because the beardline hide away or else
i dont know,

but i realy wish so much that only once
i may see how he might look in beard,
just like all face threading brings a hammer like look
on women's face same i think effects occur on men's face.

wel whatever,
i was saying that
i saw him last time that night
i was so much worried that night,
for i was unaware what istekhara might come,
and .............
let me not remember al that time.

how much Allah swt aids me,
and helps me in my woes,
i can just imagine
how great is my Lord!

i dont know when i wil b able to c him again,
he is so .......... adamantly behaving.
what i do now :(

just i wanna c him for 1 sec,
just once

he is so nice
mashaAllah
mashaAllah

dont wanna jinx him
i love his decent sense of humour,
they make me smile for long ,when ever comes in mind,
i stil think about "chattan " :)
may Allah swt bless him always and always
and all his dreams comes true in the best of way
with all the khair of both world,
aameen sum aameen

im sure

Allah swt sure listens our prayers,

im very sure about this.

but.........
ohhkay! let me not be worried

hasbunnallahi wa nai'mal wakeel
nai'emal maula wa nai'mal naseer.

world cant greed me..

today khala meena came,

she was last time requesting mother for the proposal,

brother started funning, but i

remained serious,

hopefully iqbal bhai wil soon get married with a gril
better than me in all aspects, inshaAllah taalah,

i dont know what mother was thinking on my serious mood,
maybe that i still wish for that person,
but she have no idea that all ended now,
so  no need for her to take tension.

and i just smile in the heart thinking that
are people stupid?
hope munnay bhai too wil soon fine a very good lady for him
inshaAllah
and both wil live happily ever after
inshaAllah

neither i deserve any nor i wish for any one else

he always remain special to me
inshAllah
hope i wil meet with him in jannah
inshaAllah .

i know he is not mine,
but stil i dont want any, dont even want to tthink about any,
his thoughts are so much to spend my life with
i cant be sincere with any one else,
for his thoughts wil keep disturbing me always

so better to live a single life,
and i dont need to be worried for it,
for my Allah swt wil surly aid me,
and support me inshaallah,

i have firm believe that prayers got accepted,

he wil alwys be in thought,
yes i have stopped longing for his mail,
he is not mine
nor can be,
he has gone

and its fine

y the sun not sets?

my heart is so full of tears,
but im controlling them,

yesterday was the news that there is nothing like cancer in mother
and thats just a lump
but again today v heared that ,no there is cancer but it havent spread to
other parts.

ami kal ye sun ker kitni khush hogye thi na,
mager aaj phir........

ab pata nahi agay kiya hoga,
i dont want to c my mother undergoing chemothraphy,
i think its a perfect time to quitely pass away from the world,
since ummah is also presenting a meloncholic pic,
i wanna cry now,
kafiron say tou gila kerna fazool hay,
jub musalman hi musalman per itna zulem ker daita hay
or wo bhi siref klma-e haq kehnay per tou phir kafir to door ki baat hay.

bus kuch samakj nahi ata,
ik jaan hi tou hoti hay dainay ki lie,
mager.........
wo bhi fazool hay,
meray paas kuch bhi nahi,
siwaye nakami or ghamon kay,
kash sub gham hotay mager ummet-e muslima ka gham na hota,
kash!!!...

no, let me write the truth ,
stil every moment i thnk about him,
i can imagine him sitting among the family
laughing and enjoying,
may more joy comes in his way
and stays forever in his both lifes
aameen sum aameen

may Allah swt bless all the muslims
aameen

kash insan itna baybas na hota
kash........

but im willing on Allah swt's will,
for even the Prophet pbuh life was full of troubles

memory remains....

i have no more this painting,

this is hanging now in the guest room of sis .

and i just feel good in my heart,
thinking that the names written on this wil remain for long,
as long as this painting wil remain.

wel yes thats true,
what remains back is just memories,

dont know..........

yar!!!!!!
bus kiyon kuch ajeeb si baychani hay,
im not understanding,

no!i must not cling with one who
dont need me any more,

i must control myself,
no!dont wanna talk about it ,
everything wil be fine,
i just wonder how much different v both are,
my busyness are never a hurdle in my way,
but ....

ok leave it,
i must b a good muslim again,

its all fine ,
its teaches me a good moral.
very good,
has made a fortress around my heart,
thats very helpful for heart purity which is essential for
a pious soul.

may Allah swt bless him always and always ,
with best of  health and iman
and he always live happily whereever he might be
aameen sum aameen
birahmatika ya arhaumr rahimeen

sure no complain,
for he is sure a true muslim.

there is something very good news
but not 100% confirm so wil write later.

........

tired...

im feeling so sleepy,

i know its just 7:20,
but im so sleepy.

i woke up early and didnt sleep for a sec,
stil dont know when wil sleep,

family is going to khala meena's home,
but im not going wil stay at home with brother,
hope i wil sleep in that time.

i just dont wanna go,
i dont want to go any where,

hey! i can type now without looking at keyboard,
though with not 100% precision but stil with 50% precision.

gotta go,
....
nothing else special today ,

yes one thing !
im becoming a loose temper person ,
i try my best to be nice and cool minded,
but now adays im geting fail in it,
i dont know whats wrong there.

sure something is there ,
but im not getting what it is putting me in short temper,
may Allah swt forgives me for hurting others feelings,
i feel very bad after i shout on my younger sisters,
but i care for them a lot,
but....
thats useless,
for
actions speaks louder than words.

no! just shut up,
i dont want to talk on this topic
so u better shut down dear heart!
:)

just build it up....

hey! i got a new idea,

its about my life,

i mean like every one knows when the life spend on some routine
then life becomes cheerful to spend,

im laying out my path,
jis per apni zindagi guzari jaye,

acha idea aya hay,

just a short one,
i mean
its this,
look for people and look for urself,

thats so great,

means all happy ,
God is happy and u r happy ,
:)
b dutiful to God, then serve his ibaads, then take care of ur ownself,
and i hope i can balance this,

sooooo....
whats the big plan!!!

wil wakup early again ,
after the namaz wont sleep
then wil make breakfast for parents,
then wil start jogging again,
and then
some works of sweeper :)
i mean mop and rop
and then upto mother, then to cooking,
then to mother again ,
then hope wil be free, and i wil have plenty of
projects to work on ,
basic project is my ownslef :)

a good face care then ,
something nice and unique and somewhat crazy to wear
or a crazy hairstyle,
then oh yes!makeup tutorial,

then again busy til night, spending time in serving others
as much as can do ,
then night,
then sleep after mother sleep ...
i wish may Allah swt make me persevered on this routine
or a one better than this
aameen sum aameen

ah!! im soo happy now
:)
for no reason
^_^

but ! :(
how i can be happy ,
since my mother is not happy and not well,
wel i hope and pray from Allah swt that she wil
inshaAllah
..........
i hope

y not to be our own friends ?...

yes, im free now,

at beginning i took all this like a burden , a great burden,
and the slogans of women's right keep moving in my mind,
and i think if v realy have no life ,
but hey! before i got on wrong track,
Allah swt guided me by correcting my thoughts

and i realy feel now like its all a fun,
a great fun,
its just like running a kingdom ,
or be a very special worker of a kigdom ,
the house kingdom :)

i dont think realy v need friends,
oh! i just rememberd now, i have to call my friends
or else they wil be very angry ,
no! there no other reason behind this friendship than a good intention.

wel leave it,
im my own best friend.
i realy dont need any one to share the happiness or joy or sorrow,
for i contain a world inside me right :)

i wonder y we make others so special ?
that v make ourselves slaves of them ?
i dont understand this trait of humans,

i think life is more great and cheerful when v
spend it with ourselves,
with us,
just us,
when v can feel the same joy in serving the Allah's creation,
then its useless to look for any one else,
there is nothing in it,
for nobody can realize ur sincerity behind it,
the people who are against this will take u as fool,
and the person u r in ,will treat u like a slave ,
so wherefore not to live the life with ourseleves?
i just wonder,
if mother sleep early tongith i wil too,
and then isnhaAllah hopefully wil wakeup more earlier.

i wish if only my life spent in serving my parents,
my mother and father,
its such a great life.
full of enthusiasm and so spirited .

i wathced today nice smoky makeup tutorials,
i wil do one when wil have plenty of time,
have to go to c whats mother doing.

i broke my thumb nail,
from previous weeks im under sever hurting,
sometimes either the elbow got hitted with something so badly
and again and again from same spot
and etc

sue these small pains are the charity of big pains.

aumm what else,
im not getting,
i just wonder who knew that i wil be so busy one day,
that so m any of my hobbies wil get demonised :)
but not at all,
i wil go now and wil do a nice facial massage ,
i dont know whether it works or not ,but
it make me feel very good and lively,
:)

spending sometime with urself is so good.
its rejuvenate me

ok ,let me not waste my more time

better to go now,

but i dont want to call my friends,
thats take lottt of time ,
hummm, wel its ok,
its good to waste some hours rarely in talking with friends,
i think..
:)

no matter how many years may passed by,
no matter how the time wove on our faces,
the child inside us wil never get old...
and it wil keep giggling and laughing
even on stupid things.....

i think.......

i know

i know he is very busy....

its ok, my busyness never a hurdle for me,

but ........

not every one like the same way ,
right!
:)

sikander jub gaya dunya say...

today i visited my mammon jan's grave
in pasrur,sialkot.

as soon as i take few steps inside the graveyard,
tears started rolling down.

so many graves.....
carrying the people just like us

but
very different from us,
no chattering no talks,

sons buried near to father,
and fathers near to mothers,
but
no talk among them

just silence
....

facing their final fate.

no! Allah swt is sooooo merciful,
the Lord who loved his creatures while they are alive
wont he love then when they died and became more
needy of him?
sure y not.

i wish and pray that may Allah swt forgives
all those buried there,
for his mercy sure higher than even the
collective sins of all those death ones.
no doubt..
...
such a pittiable end humans have.

v live like v wil never die,
and when v die it seems like v were never alive......

it was hard to  believe my mammon jan lying beneath that grave...
how short v humans comes in each others life
then there comes

an eternal departure.....
forever...

just to meet again on doomsday when no one wil recognize
each other,
nor mother to children and children to parents
every one wil b in his own worry .

only
one person wil b there,
worrying for us,anxious for us
and praying for us
and he wil be

our beloved Prophet sallalhu alihi wassalam
may God's 1000 blessings b upon him and
his followers and his true lovers
aameen sum aameen

may Allah swt never leave us alone the time when
every one wil leave us,whether wished or not wished....
aameen sum aameen

"when i consider life 'tis all a cheat,
yet fooled with hope man favor the deceit "

kaashh

kash wajeeha or iqbal bhai ki shadi jaldi say bohot
 khairo khushi k saath ho jaye
jaldiiiiiiiiiiiiiii say,

aaaaaaamen sum aaaammmen
birahmatika ya ar-hamurahimeen
ya zul jalali wal ikram,

i wish to be her beautician on wedding day,

that wil b sooooooo cheering
inshaAllah taalah

^_^

what!.......

kuch likhna that mager ab  bhool gaye,

i dont understand y its so ...

when u think to write something,endless thoughts starts coming

but when u sit down to write ,nothing u get.

need to massage my own hands and arms,

feeling ache in them now, 

and in the wound too.
wish i were have bakers like wel built arms,
so they never get tired of massage,
i think in getting weak from inside  

awh! u mean  old soul!..
but im so happy with it for he used to say he is old,
and i wish to b exactly like him.
i wish to be 32, i dont want to 24 , but.... :(
not in my hands...

wish my mother be sooo well and fully healthy 

before going back

i dont want to go back with mother's same condition.

wish she be fully cheery and healthy on way back.

"agay ati thi halay dil pay hassi

ab kisi baat pay nahi aati"

y silence is increasing inside?

it seems like im geting more and more

mature and serious from inside,

i just wonder about my LORD,

i m nothing special for him,

just an ordinary slave of him,

not special at all.

i wish i were so much special to Him,

i wish that there existed none except me ,

apart from his Prophets p.b.u.h. so 

i were special to him,

i cant b special to him now,

for many many many pious and good muslims exists in the world

sacrificing their love, their property ,their lusts 

and everything.

i need 100 lives to reach that level.

i know aser namaz is getting late,

but 

"mera dil to hay sanam ashna 

mujhay kiya milay ga namaz may,"

aumm

ok let me not b disappointed

i think this verse is not right,

only kaffir get disappoint from Allah swt

not a muslim.

for Allah swt's mercy remains there

even after the greatest sin that a person can ever atone.

his mercy make me cry ,

make me feel bad towards me,

kissi kay ahsan per tou banda or uski khushi ka khiyal rekhta hay,

mager hum Allah swt k ahsan per aisa nahi kertay,

v humans r just so ungrateful

may Allah swt just look at his mercy,

and not our sins ,which surly cant harm him,

every one good or bad deed is just for his/her own self,

people do good just for themselves,

and likewise their evil deeds are for themselves too

khair choro,

philhal baat kuch or hay dil may,

yaarr!! im so fed up,

so much,

i want to be a servant at khana kaaba

i just want to depart myself from worldy activities

Lord care for his ibaads more than any one else,

shayes kisi ki bhi khwaish nahi rahi,

zindagi tanha , logon ki khidmet may guzarna zyada acha hay,

i think!

i know, dont tel me ,

k mera meter aisay tabhi ghumta hay or

tabhi i start talking like this 

jub

i miss him

but no use

nobody suppose to live with u forever

nobody

even ur soul leave u at the time of departure from the world.

i m gonna cry now,

for i dont understand y this all happend

this must not happened

i wil keep regretting this for the rest of my life

ahhha!but no use to cry over split milk now.

pray for the best now.

but......

life!..........

ok ok,let me not start "showering" my "philosophy" again.

i noticed now almost all people are soo found of ....

sharing their "golden wise philosophy" with other

no matter how much other are yawing

:)

now dats the reason for coming here

and writing all...

i mean i start writing with a heavy heart

but til reaching the end,,......

oye! sab burden yek dam ghaib 

:)

queer life!

Long live my sweet mother!
aameen

O Allah swt ! u are the remover of all pains...

umer guzri hay bigadnay himay ya RAB!

ab savernay ko gee chahta hay.....
..

.

.*~ .*~

aye dost meray wastay ab bus ye dua ker,

kaifi ko ilahi gham-e mahboob ata ker...

(amin)

ik bar hay dil khol kay ronay ki tamanna

sir roza-e aqdas pay nidamet say jhuka ker....

.*~.*~

*`*~

ah!dunya dil samjhti hay jissay wo dil nahi

pehlo-e insan may ik angara-e khamosh hay....

........

....

HOPE! i must keep it alive,

Trust! i m keep on Allah swt

and sure everything wil be fine...

inshaAllah taala

life is like this, full of worries

one have to pass it happily or it wil never b passed...

*.~ *.~

mazmoon jo socha tha na janay kahan gum hay ,

ankhon may bhi ashkon ka ab namo-nishan gum hay,

alam hay takhayul ka or lafzay biyan gum hay,

seenay may talatum hay,

dil sharam say sed-para,

bus dil may sulagta hay reh reh k ik angara

darbar may hazir hay ik banda-e awwarah

..

ya RAB meri hasti per kuch khas karam ferma,

bakhshay hway bandoon main,

mujh ko bhi raqqam ferma,

kerday meray mazi kay her saans ka kaffarah,

derbar may hazir hay ik banda-e awwarah,

....

ummed ka markaz ye, rahmet ka nager hay...

is der ka bhikari hay jo,

wo qismet ka sikander hay...

....

nothing else.
........
..

nothing....

hamaray dil ki basti mustaqil abaad rehti hay,

thumhara gum panapta hay ,tumhari yaad rehti hay....

~`*

i just wish soo much to fly to saudia and never return back ,never ever...

i just wish to scatter in the sky of makkah and madina

...
i mean...

.................
just leave it.....

.
i wanted to say him ....

mail me.......
but......

i have made so many requests already to him.......

so ............

nothing....
.

..............



...

ahhh...so tough....

u know....

wel ,nothing.....

i m going to yahoo mail!
im going,,.....

im going.....

i just miss him so much ...
:(

okay! im not going...

but u promise with me that he wil be mine with all the khair
one day,,....
pelase promise with me....

no!i like this all in real,
i like it when tears fell off after missing him
so dont take away his memories from me please....

im soo happy in this
im sad but im happy
i wil try my best not to disobey Allah swt...

i dont know for how long i wil keep the control on myself....

......
.
.
.just see......

dont want any one to read this...

what to write ............

umm kuch nahi maloom...
......
.................
likhnay bhaito to kuch yaad nahi ata,
or waisay .....
sochon ka aik samander her waqat ghairay rekhta hay....

...
zindagi ajan si hay...
laikin zindagi anjan kaisay ho sakti hay ...??

nahi hosakti ....

ummmmm

.....
what?.....
nothing i suppose......
just think if.......................

wel whatever happened was not good,
but not good to cry over split milk.

just wonder if prayers got accepted.....

so much longings soo much....

i dont think if i ever wish for some thing like this before...

but c! life! it take us on the path v even never thought about....

but.....

this all fine ,
i must not show my weakness to any one,
everything wil be fine......

how i asked my younger sisters to pray for my secret hope,...
just like a real beggar who is after people,
full of pitiable look ,
looking at every one with eyes full of hope....
requesting and pleading....
for very small things....

same is like me,
asking every one ,each child,
with low tune, in a secret way....
prey for me please that whatever wish i have may get accepted
with the welfare of both world...
just asking every child....
with the hope that
maybe any of these innocent hands became the reason of my prayers to get accepted.

my eyes!.... lost in the wideness of sky....
i wonder how smal is my wish as compare to the
vastness of this universe , ....
Allaah swt created all this with very ease....
then ....
wil He not listen to my prayer?

my heart has just protested ,saying"why not, why not, He has the power ,full power
and sure He wil listen to ur prayers,inshaAllah"

okay ,so the heart is not ready to give up

ok....
let me hope then...
for sure Allaah swt is sure the most powerfull one,

but...........
:( u dont cry ,please....

no! no tears...

good! wipe them off,
c yourself in mirror


u looking pretty ,my heart :)

keep smiling lady!
only cry in prayers,tears are only for prayers
only for Lord to c
not for the human to c....

no! dont be discourage.....
everything wil be fine dear heart...
u dont be sad......

there is nothing wrong in trusting Allaah swt,
trusting him only contains goodness
and nothing loss...

keep ur hope alive,,,,
u wil meet him inshaAllah with all the blessings,,
inshaAllah
just keep ur hope alive...
and dont be sad....
AND

avoid un-islamic deeds, this wil just lessen the
chances of ur prayers to b accepted...
chating him notfor smal time is better than
 the chating for never....
missing him for small period of time is
better than missing him forever...
having him forever is better than having him for short in chat/mail...

so b patient....dear heart!
soon u wil have him forever and ever inshAllah
with the joy of ur family and his family
and foremost with the raza of Allah swt
inshAllah taala...
just dont loose hope keep hoping....

even if not in this world then
must be in the lofty paradise
inshaAllah
all u need is to collect so much for urself and him
in this world that u both can live happily in the hereafter

yes!u can have a deal with ur Lord ,
like HE described in his book...
sell ur life to him and he wil give u jannah and his everlasting willingness,
and to those sure u love utmost....

BUT...
:(
Allah swt bhi to meri zindagi nahi kharidtay
q k may bhot buri hoon...
jub chamman may qurbani kay liye itnay achay achay phool hoon to
rotten pholoon ko koon qabool karay ga...
not everyone's life is so worthy to be purchase by Lord...
He only chooses good,pure, and pious and innocent souls....
so far is me....

so far...

so far......

but.....

atleast im his ibaad, havent i ?
sure u r but a sinner one....
but i try my best to be good...

despite of my al the sins im not ready to withdraw myself from the hope of his mercy...

i wil hope i wil hope
and i wil hope
and wil keep hoping for his mercy....
which is enldess ,
more vast than  a sky or ocean....
that he wil forgive me...
inshaAllah

and i wil keep hoping for this til the very end
even if it make confirm to me that i wil be thrown into the hell
(alayazubillah)
i wil stil keep hoping for his mercy....
for one good deed i might be have to brought forward to my
All knowing Allah swt that
i always take his beloved's umma happiness upone my own,
i did cry for his beloved's umma pain ...
i did burn in the fire of revenge...
i creid for his beloved's umma and felt so much pain
even though i was in the midest of joy....

hope He wil take me in His mercy
hope HE wil cover me in his mercy on doomsday
inshaAllah
and i wil have the comapny of the beloved Prophet s.a.v.
when there wil be no shelter except the throne of the Almighty Allah....

i hope and i just hope..........
im a useless person
but

im not ready to give up
i wil keep hoping...
cal me mad or else

im not ready to withdraw...
i wil hope and wil keep hoping forever and ever
inshaAllah

a painful heart!....

is so dear to Allah swt...
for He sure loves his ibaads more than a mother loves her child....

all i need is to be more dutiful to my Allah swt
so He can smile on me on the doomsday
and i can listen from him,
"o u ! my creation, i have forgiven u "

then..............
i wil scatter in the air ,
i wil not wish for jannah anymore
for i would have i wished for....
my Allah swt's raza.....


its okay.......
life is mortal ...
v r mortal...
no one suppose to live forver....
i wil meet him ,
i wil meet him
i wil met him
i wil  meet him
inshaAllah taala...

my Lord wil arrange the way of our meeting,
He wil clear the path himself of my meeting with his that ibaad
with all the blessings
inshaAllah inshaAllah
i just hope and wil keep hoping...

dont b sad! stop shedding ur tears stupid....
no one gonna leave u ...
and even if all leave u
till u wil have the most powerful one.....
just obey ur parents,,..for in parents willingness is Allah swt's willingness...

but.....
ok ok
keep hoping that ur parent swil happily get agree on this oneday
inshaAllah taala
just keep hoping this
okay!!!
happy now?
Allah swt has the power of changing the people's heart...
keep hoping that oneday ur parents wil agree on this and all ur siblings too

and
u wil have him with all the blesings

ok!....
i cant do anything else other than
keep encouraging myself,
keep telling it that u wil get what u want
(though , in real , in some corner of  my heart,
there remains some hypocrasy but i keep it secret
for i dont want my heart to loose hope and joy)

let me keep hoping.........
let me........
i know i cant hold any one with me....
but stil let me keep hoping..........


**********~~~~~~~~~~~~~********~~~~~~~**********

i dont want my hope to die.....

"HOPE".....

this what not letting me to b disappointed....

"TRUST in ALLAH swt"

this what keep the happy hope fresh and breezy....

i dont know what wil be the end of all this

but let me "hope" and let me "trust" on ALLAH swt
as long as the word of the hope remain in the world,

and as long as Allah Almighty's mercy remains there
(which is indeed forever and ever and never to be ended up)

let me keep trusting my Lord for he is the best who answer the plead of weak and beggars.

hasbunllahu wa naie'mal wakeel
nai'emal maula wa nai'men naseer

........

missing...

i miss him so much so much that i cant tel ..

just  miss him

:(




....
.
.

GOT IT...

HEY ! GOT HIS T EXT ,SO HAPPY ^_^

nothing....

the heart so bad condition,

i mean some situations are so hard to bear & unserstand.

.........
i kept waiting anioxusly all night long just for a text, but it didnt come,

certainly no guilty can be put on him for he is innocent, acting like a good muslims mashaAllah & look at me ...bah! acting like evil satan....

wel leave it now,,........... i have stopped thinking

just lonnggg longg silence is there, u can say emptyness....

im 24th , means 24 years passed by and im away from my Lord, from my eternal home, wish to return back now, its  too late now..

bye.... wish to end the painting as soon as possible.

we left our grief to God...

u know what!

if i were a thief, & thefting were halal in islam

i would then broke into his home
& would have stolen all of  his cigarettes ,

each & every single cigarette ,placed on ,in ,under or behind anything.

but what i would do with those cigarets.....
ummm
wel i would throw them away in garbage or drain them away,

ah! i just wish sooo much that he may quit smoking, aameeeeeeeeeen
i become so much sad thinking about the harm the cigrete caused to his health

if v can do it,then i would fix my lungs in his body ,so it would be my lungs geting destroyed & not his,then when they expire i would give him back his own original healthy lungs...

hey stop! would i die then because of suffocation ,
but whos gonna miss him if i die....
Lol!
:)

ok dont tel me , for i  know i have talked til now quite stupidly or lunaticly .
oh !lunaticly !is this new term !, umm let me use like a lunatic

ok ok now stop it stop it,
u have talked quite stupidly, no more foolishness,
grow up lady! live in the real world ,not the fantasy /magical world.

but!.....

i miss him ...

i feel sometimes very bad for myself,
it just seems o me like its only me teasing his ways,
and bothering him.

do i bother everyone.....
i dont know ,but its not my fault,
for the only thing i can do for other is just to die
but suicide is haram ,right!

cant we ever meet....
but i read that if someone wishes for something so much then he get it  must.
.....
what if i were never been into this world...

do i act cheaply like 1000 of girls?...
am i not a good girl any more?...
what if i had to marry some one else?...
why that happened with us we never wish for?...
life! is it easy to survive or death!is it easy to die?
i said no for both,
not easy to live nor easy to die...

only pious people have the right to survive
& only they can live happily & contented in both world.

otherwise the people like me keep wandering in the barren land of heart.
ramzan about to come, havent prepared anything..
all siblings so good...none is a sinner like me...
my sisters so good, i wish & pray so much for my younger sisters to never fell in love with any man aameen sum aameen, it just destroys life badly , make u unable to keep moving forward with enthusiasm.

bus pata nahi kiyon....laikin najany q dil udas hojata hay aik dam,
youn jaisay hawa diyye ko bhuja daiti hay...

dil hi to hay na sango khisht,
dard say bher na aye kiyon.....

i never wish to forget him nor want him to forget me,

but i dont like either the kind of love prevailing in the society
i dont wish to be a part of it.
 i wish to keep the love very pure
pure from any vulgarity or disobedience of Allah swt,very sacred.
but dont know how,for i loving a na-mehram itself a sin.
but i stil wish to find some way for a sin-free love with him.
but how? i dont know
maybe the same way we are acting now, i mean that
very less mails among us but v both remember each other( maybe hes not)

but sometimes i do think that likings for him make me close to Allah swt,
ah! i so much wish that he might b my mehram , i would please my Allah swt soooo much by pleasing him ,by giving him all the happiness i could give, by being a veryyyyyyy good , faithful,loving & veryyyyyyyyyy caring w... oopss going soo far. but cant i be any of his thing,
i wish to be his cigarette :(
opps am i getting back on the track of stupidity ...

hey!! y its so hard to keep being serious......

oh, i just remember my old bad time when i realy got serious for all time & was so much thinking about suicide but thanks to Allah swt that he supported me & (i managed to contact him again . ^_^ ) stopped me from a totally haram death.may Allah swt save in future too , aameen & all the muslims too from this aameen sum aameen.

there is no doubt in it that the reason which became the cause of my return to life was he,
i just thank him deep down inside for being with me all the time when i was so much suffering from bipolarity
,its just he whose encouraging & trusting words brought me back to life ,& sure all thanks to Allah swt.

may Allah swt reward him in the best of way , & make his life full of blessings & happiness & cheers , & not a single grief  ever touch him in both world, & he enjoy the best of life+hereafter ,got marry with a veryyyyyyyyyyy good muslimah who filled his life with all the ecstasy .
aameen sum aameen
birahmatika ya arrhamurrahimeen

& yes ,he may have lots & lots of cute ,beautiful ,obedient pious ,genius , brave, God-fearing offspring, aameeeen. ( hope he is not reading this ^_^ )

wish him best of luck,
....just wish .............

jinsay mil na paya may is jahan may,
roh ben ker milon ga unsay asman pay,
k piyar is dherti pay farishton say ho nahi sakta...

  *~ *~       *~             *~

Time passes by stealing us away, with no memory and no remembrance
The concerns of life occupy us, take us and drive us away
Suddenly the past comes back
Cutting the thread of my thoughts
reminding me of our talks, our gatherings and our nights
I place my cheek on my left hand
Raising my hands to The Creator (praying)
How I wish the time that drove us apart will gather us and bring us closer
I don't know if you're aware
Or you're not aware
I wish the time that maddened us will please us
You shall call on me
and I shall call on you
I'll ask why did you leave
and you'll ask why did I not come
We shall meet with our loved ones
Spending the night in joy
We will draw the portrait of the past on the slipping star of the sky
Framing it with our wishes
And sealing it with our names
The wing of love is directing the ship
And hope is the mast
A memory is the Ship-master
And the twists of destiny is the Shore
We left our grief to God
And our tears are no longer running
And the time that made us weep
Is no longer making us weep

.....

            *~       *~          *~

if i were....

oh no! he didnt send any mail

im soooo

sooooo

oh yes angry

:)

wel ,let me keep waitig

i wonder if he read all this or not,

sometimes i do wish alot he may,but sometimes i wish may not

"something lies beyond the golden sun

something shines very bright there

looking up in the starry night

i wonder...

if he looking at stars too.........

..............

....

i understand now,
how relations begins like a tiny seed of grain
very slowly & unnoticeable
& then grows up in to the tallest tree

.....

i wonder how my life would be if all this didn't happen,
maybe so much full of happiness

i just wonder if i ever be able o like some on e again
with same enthusiasm again,
in realty, i don't wish to like any one else again with same
enthusiasm,
first love is sure i think the strongest & unforgettable feeling on earth

i just wish sometimes...
if none of this feeling ever exist on earth,
how beautiful the world would be then....
careless,free ,full of cheers with no tension of beloved displeasure, no captivity ,just freedom from any emotional bondage,
ah!but too late now for all this

once the heart got trapped none can free it ,
and i think the person himself dont wish to b freed ,

last night i was thinking about how all this started,
i remembered that i started liking him since the very beginning,
while i was massaging my mom's head last night, my mind was fully possessed by a stream of thoughts,

there were time when i had silent likings for him,
each day i anxiously waited for the chat time,
all day long i kept thinking of what to chat him about,

and there came time too when he understood my immense love for him,
then family get involved
& then .........
that happend which i dont wanna think again,
for its full of meloncholic

all these thoughts put me in tears
& like always ,all the thoughts ended up on praying for his well-being for ever & ever
when i sighed & make it confirm ,"WE CANT MEET"

but am i not sillyy!!
i mean that im not ready to giveup, or to loose hope
even after loosing hope i wish for him
sooo much with all the blessings

i sometimes think,maybe some miracle happend & v meet
but let me not be so hopefull
for miracles happens less in this world

let me keep liking him , very secretly to all, for ever
let me hope that v wil meet in eternity

let me bear his missing in this mortal world with the hoe of for ever meeting in the eternal world,

let me be a good servent of Allah swt
so HE may fullfilled my wish & make us to meet in eternity,

i just wish to die very soon on iman,
i wish to wait for him in the high heavens of paradise,

wish for him a very long,happy healthy life with full of blessings & best of iman
& a shinny hereafter,
wish same for his family too,
wish may the families of both of us met each other too in paradise,
aameen sum aameen


i wil complain there with my mother for not letting us meet in the world,

 hahaha  ,
(but who knows if v meet with blessings in the world!if Allah swt wills)

im i not stupid, i started laughing even if im tense,

wel ,this is called life :)
u have to live it or it wil never pass in other way,
u have to show others that u happy even if u r not,
u must keep smiling even if u want to cry aloud ,
for
there is no use of showing ur pain to other
for...
nobody understand it
and even if some one understands it
then still no use
for no one can help u any way nor can take aways ur grieve
it wil remain in it place as it is,
tel pains only to Allah swt for only he can understand & only he can remove the pain ,
for He is the most powerful & the only one Creator of the wholeeeeee universe...


wow!  i mean subhannallah how lovely he make the sky ,
just amazing, just look at all thise glitter he shattered in the earth's canopy .
just to make his ibaads happy,


how much HE love us
& look at me :( i dont love him the same way & disobey Him whenever i get a chance
but see His mercy! He dont seieze me right at the moment,
keep giving me chances to repent,
but look at me the sinner :(
im not happy with my sins life

i wish to b a nice & very obedient salve of Allah swt
not the transgress one.


"with only him i greed to forgive my sins on dooms day"


hey! i so much wish soooooooo much that
he may quit smoking
aameeeeeeen sum aameeeeen
birahmatika ya arrhaurrahimeen


if it were me smoking 7 he requested the same way i did to quit smoking then i think i would have quit it til now :)


okay getting late


have to prepare breakfast for mother,she got fever
may Allah swtr give her long healthy happy life
aameen sum aameen


Allah hafiz (umm kisko Allah hafiz,,...wel to  myself , yaqeenan :) )

subha hoti hay raat hoti hay
zindagi unhi tamam hoti hay.......


oo00oOOh.......


                      THe ENd          :)

his so nice trusting words calms the storm inside....

"take care always, inshaAllah everything will be fine



Allah knows whats best for us. and what Allah chooses for us is ultimately beneficial than what we believe is good



so, have trust and faith in Allah , because we can not see the future and what benefits are behind what is happening at the moment which we think is not right



always take care of yourself and keep trusting Allah



Allah Hafiz"


 few encouraging words from him , i can just only thank him , & there is one thing i can never doubt about & its his sincerity, which is too queer to find in the world of today,


wish him best of luck

just wish that may all the glitters & happiness of life & all the blessings of Allah swt gathered in his way.
 aameen sum aameen

just miss him............

HE HAS GONE..........

i read one of his old mail , & i feel very sad very very sad, i just think back ,how much he care for me but.....no more ,,,,,no more he .... hes gone ....gone.......

just hold up ur tears...no one gonna c them...

 kuch bhi theek nahi hwa, kash ! he never came in live , im destorying my that health which i always dream to spend in Allah swt's path. but .....all gone, he gone too ,just left missing, i needed him & longed for him so much that i cant tel it seemed to me like he is created for me ,but uh! just a wrong assumption of mine, i couldnt bear his displeaseness so i almost did all what ever he said ,i pleased him displeasing my Lord, and see! only God left for me now, He is there for me despite of my all disobedience i have fell on his door,

"makhlooq say umeed kay sub tor lie rishtay".....

ummm wat???

andhi jub chalay to bacha kuch bhi nahi kerta..
bus kuch bhi nahirehta kuch bhi nahi rehta ....... kuch bhi.............

nahi rehta


siref

yadain reh jati hain

...
..
.

"i wish some one had plucked very far ago
the flower of my youth...."

i have left with nothing.................

.nothing

........

nothing to say any more

just a long road to travel down...................

i have nothing to say.............

"dua jo dil say niklay aser rakhti hay

per nahi taqet-e pervaz mager rakhti hay...."

meri dua may yaqeenan koi kami hogi werna Allah swt to bohot achay hain
or jo mango dil say wo lazmi daitay hain

must be some lackage in

aahmmm

...


may nay mana k taqdeer ka likha hay attel,
per mera iman hay k duaon may aser  hota hay.......

aap s.a.v.s nay dua ki bohot ahmeiyet biyan fermayi hay
or bayshek chand sitaray ,or raat din ka badalna to jhoota hosakta hay

mager meray Allah or uskay rasool s.a.v ki koi baat galet nahi hosekti

bus insan ka apna iman of khuda ki zaat per bharoosa hota hay jo aser kerta hay

....

...


miss him
...

nothinggg....:(

no ,none of his mail today

...
.....
.....
......




sometimes
i become so much hopeful of my prayer meeting with him with all the khair
i felt very happy & relaxed

but

just then

his words comes in my mind
"u r too hopeful .wil b heart broken later.
i dont want to be heart broken at end"

but

prayers accepted so much

..

arent they,

youngest brother being so lucky
all of his wishes comes true masaAllah mashaAllah

may they both live happily ever after the engagement
i mean upto marriage & after marriage & through out their lives
with best of iman health & wealth
aameen sum aameen

wish so much that may muaz too soon found
a very pious & good muslimah for him like he
always wished for,
aameen sum aameen .

hey!!!! :)

he sent me his convocations pics & he was sure looking soooo good mashaAllah

but i think he wil look more good in beard,

wish best of luck for him

he wil always be in my dua inshAllah

never to b forgotten..
.......

miss him sooo much

yes i must not tel my sorrow to any one

not even to him

i must keep smiling & keep telling everyone that

im soo
happy

:)

me & he

these are exectly the two stars i look daily from my house roof,

first time i noticed them i said in my heart

oh two stars! one so shining ,making the smaller one prominent
looking so nice with each other,
perfect place for both.

i feel like its me & he,
the brighter one is he & the less brighter & small one is me

wel whatever

i like looking at these two stars whenever i went upstairs at night

may he have a veryyy good & luck time at his convocation
which i think being ended or about to end til now

may Allah swt bless him always & always
aameen sum aameen
birahmatika ya-arrhamur rahimeen

garmi-e hasrate nakam say jal jatay hain

bulbul ko baghban say na sayyad say gilla,
qismet may qaid likhi thi fasl-e bahar main
, din zindagi k khatam huay shaam hogaie,
phaila k paoon soain gay kanj mizar may...
( hey! wats kanj mizar? i dont know myself :) )

----------------

Garmiye hasrat-e-nakaam se jal jaate hain
Hum chiraagon ki tarah shaam se jal jaate hain
shamma jis mehfil may jelti hay numayish k liye,
hum ussi bazem may gumnam say mer jatay hain,

-------------------------

sift-e shamma lahad murda hay mehfil meri ,
aah! aye raat bari door hay manzil meri,
( hey im waiting for a blessive death... its my teenage dream,
but none get it himself, its only in Allah swt's hand to whomever he grant such blessive death)

i hope.............

janay kiyon dil udass hay,
ishq hota to koi baat bhi thi.
=========================
jinsay mil na paya may is jahan may kahin,
roh ben ker miloon ga unsay asman pay kahin
k piyar is dherti per
farishton saay ho nahi sakta
...
..

miss him
.....

...
............
but everything wil b fine inshaAllah
i hope....

not yet...

Longing has struck us indeed, though it never stroke us before
We ended up yearning for each other, as if the farewell is to be now
It's too early for pain to be revived inside of us by sorrows, it's too early for rimes to be mourned by our nights
We had our good days, filled with serenity and mildness, breathing in the breeze and keeping the company of the precious ones
We won't forget the love, no matter how much it's languished with our condition, and the days that we spent in God's guidance will remain to be the glow of the expectations
Before the farewell there were stars, which disappeared and remained above, today we tried to forget, but the longing has defeated us

dont know......

In all Truthfulness
Promise me you wont hurt my feelings
Who can I complain (speak) to other than you
when the world becomes so harsh

In all Truthfulness
Don't leave me
with all my worries.. counting my steps
My heart is torturing me .. and my thoughts are wandering (to the sky)

In all Truthfulness
Dont forget me if you want to part from me
i don't want that day to come.. when I destroy my dignity

m trying to find path in the meloncholich gloom....

u know?......

im very sad

...

many daYS passed by &

he didnt reply.

u know?

i have stopped mailing him

& the hope of geting mail from him

but..........

one day

i recieved his mail

which again removed the barrier from my sides

,i mean the restriction which i put on myself

he make me addicted to him
&

then......

he went away....

& i left in my gloom again.

wel, its ok

he is always in my thought

i keep watching him in imaginations

wish best of luck for him

wish to keep praying for him til the last breath

....no dont wish to forget him


never ever,,,,,

may he always live happily whereever he maybe
aameen sum aameen
i wil not disturb him again

though i greatly wish to mail him

to read something from him

but.....

yes, :-< i must not disturb him anymore



he has made me a tramp

im a vagrant now

he has demlished my all places to rest at

no way left for me to return

other than to keep wandering in the gloomy jungle of myheart


wish best of luck for him

praying for him is stil my relaxation.

....
..........
........
              ~just a tramp

all that carved deep inside heaert

i dont know how many days have been passed,

let me remember ,...oh yes! last mail i got 4m him was on 15th july.

very last one. nothing now,
just remains memories.
i dont know what he will be thinking right now,?
i think must be sleeping
or mytbe at work.
i wish to have a magical ball .so i can see him
but all time is for to pass,
he said i wil b fine
& sure i am ,
since im not dying
nor becoming sick
& heart's pain count nothing.
i miss him each moment
but inshaAllah i wil not commit the sin again
its al in Allah swt hand
hope he wil b so fine,since he always told me that
his likings for me are not like my liking 4 him
so sure he wil be fine inshaAllah
he was having his new laptop on 17th ,friday.
i was wishing to ask 4m him about his new laptop
but i stopped
dont wanna disturb
him any more,
i often close my eyes,
feels his smiling face
& open the eyes after a smile too.
hope my all prayers for
his bright future wil b accepted soon with all the blessings inshaAllah

no, everyone is wrong,
wil never b able to forget him
he wil always b in my thoughts inshaAllah
inshaAllah
dont want to forget him
, i dont want anyone else.
& i m so hopeful that inshaAllah none other man wil ever come in my life too inshaAllah
hope my this prayers wil must b accepted inshaAllah
for its not impossible,
i know im stupid
but im keeping the hope of meeting
& wil always keep this hope
NO WAY TO FORGET HIM
EXCEPT THIS THAT
I MAY RAN OUT OF MY MEMORIES................
HARD .....SO HARD BUT HAVE TO BARE
AS THIS ALL WAS MY OWN FAULT
MAY HE LIVE HAPPILY EVER 7 EVER WITH BEST OF HEALTH IMAN & WEATH
AAMEEN SUM AAMEEN
BIRAHMATIKA YA ARRHAMURAHIMEEN.

WAKING UP EVERY MORNING,
& checking the mail is stil my routine
though no more
his mail
but stil i
open the inbox daily
& quench my thirst 4 him
by reading his old mails
...time to go
...........
ALLAH HAFIZ