nothing overs,
:)
:)
Saturday 8 October 2011
Monday 3 October 2011
this al begun like this.......
where to start ,dont know,
not getting any word to start with ,
...
.....
.......
regret! it always accompany human race,
all time pass away ...
but memories remains there,
to keep feeling us sorry for our wrong deeds...
thnx to Allah swt's mercy which never ends.
life was all good, it was full of every kind of joy,
i dont know what got wrong with me that i thought about chating...
maybe its so because v immature buddies often
find it too hilarious to do the things our elders stop us from ,
same was the case here,
i started it just like an expedition...
thinking that i could change ppl's heart ,
i could earn lot of reward by converting a non-muslim into muslim...
but ha! i was unaware that the satan is weaving a net of sins for me ...
yes... i .....
wel ,dont know what to write...
everything changed, upside down ,
my life fully impacted by that incident.
from 57-49 kg , i dont know what actualy became the source of
this weight loss.
but i dont understand , y that happened with us
v even never wished for..
but stil i think that was best...
that remove form my heart even the speck like thought
of taking myself as a good muslimah and a better muslim.
no , i dont think like that any more.
im the worse of creature now in all the Allah's creation.
and i love this sence now,
taking myself as an outcast , totaly on Allah's mercy.
hey!y right eye is shedding of water and left eye not?
maybe eye sickness.
how this ruined my life,
i tel u how,
after i revealed this secret on my family that ...........
i lost everything,
and when my family started accepthing this ....
....
he gone...saying that
"its the best time to leave"
and also ,he hurted alot, for no reason ,
i didnt hurt him , i just prayed for hhim,
but he hated me bcuz i follow the Prophet's sunnah,
but.....
what take him too long to tel me about this hatred?
since he knew it the very first day,
but he said me at the begginning that he liked good muslimah,
and when i shared with him the hijab nasheed ,he said he liked
the thought of it.
but suddenly his views changed,
he turned so different after coming to his homeland,
dont know y?
was that my emmemce love that make him proud of himself,
and arrogant and rude with me?
bcuz he knew that i wouldd never b able to leave him?
but who knows that the departed person wil never return again ...
how it ruined me life?!!!
myself ask from me ,
and tel how.
when i massage my mother or serve her the other way ,
she gave me dua,saying,
"Allah swt hum subko hadayet day ,
imaan ki dolat day ,
deeno dunya dono bohot achi karay ,
"siraf apni muhabbet day or shermo-haya day""
i feel so much bad for myself that even "aameen"stuck in my throat.
its just like"chor kay baloon mat tinka"
i feel sory for my life,
but yet the pain is more than the regret.
i dont want to get in relation with any man again,
loving them make them feel like they are some superficial creature,
i want to purify my life from this everlasting sin
from my blood, maybe that wipes away the traces of this sin from me....
i wil give zubda my doll ,nadeem bhai brought for me,
and i promised to give her if my "wish " came true,
the wish did come true half,
istekhara became +ve,
but then.......
everything take a turn ,totaly diferent,
and i found myself into totaly unexpecting location...
the crystal ball smashed now...
i wil give the doll to zubda and wil tel her
that take it ,my wish fullfilled.
yes, im ending this all by myself too,
he is ending some thing and im ending something too,
v both are building a wall between us so v can never
c each other again,
he acted rudly and i lied him teling that i told sis hafsa that u got engaged,
he is right, its better to end this all.
i have been so stupid , trying to handle this all alone,
lets smack this all now,
since v all go to separate graves, so better to live a life
without any one's thought too,
nobody suppose to live with us forever,
v are young now, wil b among the senior citizens in future.
again a youth wil stand there to laugh at us old.
everything runs fastly towards mortality
only Allah swt suppose to live for ever,
and only that succeed who live a life in full of his obedience,
yes!nobody can justify his worship,
nobody is free of sins apart from Prophets ,
thats y v are "humans" not "angles"
thats y Allah swt has given us "humans" more value that the others creatures,
for v are free to do deeds,
unlike others,
wel foreget about it ,for whom im writing all this?
i dont know,
its just like , im put all of my tension here,
he was the only person i share my pain with ,
i had never ,nor wil like to trust any one again and share my secret with ,
its best to share our secrest with our selves and with Lord,
and stilswt is there not to taunt at u,
He loves us,
He love our tears ,
He loves the break hearts,
HE loves those who repents ,
He loves those who return to him with their heads bowed down
out of great humility ,
He loves me....
though i m not worthy of it but stl
i hope he love me.....
for He is the only one who knows me best...
this is the end of my diary ...
which started from pain and ending like that too.
but there s the difference,
im not as sad as past,
though silent and quiet but finding myself more mature,
ready for the future ups and downs...
life! it would b good if i died in my childhood
none wil bear lot of tensions and sadness because of me.......
but....
my life is amanah ,
but !oh yes! i have sleeping pills in my bag now,
got them from hospital when doc gave it to mother,
no!not thinking about suicide,
but what if i take just one,
for a sleep with no one's thought at all?
wel lets c what happens...
i think Allah swt forgive us ppl who are stil sticking with
Prophet's sunnah ,for v are oppressed one,
in all the universe, no place is there for a true muslim,
they are called with the bad names,
not only strangers and kaffir but also the "modern" muslim of todays
like to mock at them ...
y?
y no body c all that blood?
y no one listens to oppressed?
y the tyrants are taken as peace keepers?
y the world is so blind?
why
why?
why?
for how long this all wil keep moving?
hopefully oneday i wil b driving car,
towards my final destination,
.........
hopefully
inshaAllah taalah
..........
not getting any word to start with ,
...
.....
.......
regret! it always accompany human race,
all time pass away ...
but memories remains there,
to keep feeling us sorry for our wrong deeds...
thnx to Allah swt's mercy which never ends.
life was all good, it was full of every kind of joy,
i dont know what got wrong with me that i thought about chating...
maybe its so because v immature buddies often
find it too hilarious to do the things our elders stop us from ,
same was the case here,
i started it just like an expedition...
thinking that i could change ppl's heart ,
i could earn lot of reward by converting a non-muslim into muslim...
but ha! i was unaware that the satan is weaving a net of sins for me ...
yes... i .....
wel ,dont know what to write...
everything changed, upside down ,
my life fully impacted by that incident.
from 57-49 kg , i dont know what actualy became the source of
this weight loss.
but i dont understand , y that happened with us
v even never wished for..
but stil i think that was best...
that remove form my heart even the speck like thought
of taking myself as a good muslimah and a better muslim.
no , i dont think like that any more.
im the worse of creature now in all the Allah's creation.
and i love this sence now,
taking myself as an outcast , totaly on Allah's mercy.
hey!y right eye is shedding of water and left eye not?
maybe eye sickness.
how this ruined my life,
i tel u how,
after i revealed this secret on my family that ...........
i lost everything,
and when my family started accepthing this ....
....
he gone...saying that
"its the best time to leave"
and also ,he hurted alot, for no reason ,
i didnt hurt him , i just prayed for hhim,
but he hated me bcuz i follow the Prophet's sunnah,
but.....
what take him too long to tel me about this hatred?
since he knew it the very first day,
but he said me at the begginning that he liked good muslimah,
and when i shared with him the hijab nasheed ,he said he liked
the thought of it.
but suddenly his views changed,
he turned so different after coming to his homeland,
dont know y?
was that my emmemce love that make him proud of himself,
and arrogant and rude with me?
bcuz he knew that i wouldd never b able to leave him?
but who knows that the departed person wil never return again ...
how it ruined me life?!!!
myself ask from me ,
and tel how.
when i massage my mother or serve her the other way ,
she gave me dua,saying,
"Allah swt hum subko hadayet day ,
imaan ki dolat day ,
deeno dunya dono bohot achi karay ,
"siraf apni muhabbet day or shermo-haya day""
i feel so much bad for myself that even "aameen"stuck in my throat.
its just like"chor kay baloon mat tinka"
i feel sory for my life,
but yet the pain is more than the regret.
i dont want to get in relation with any man again,
loving them make them feel like they are some superficial creature,
i want to purify my life from this everlasting sin
from my blood, maybe that wipes away the traces of this sin from me....
i wil give zubda my doll ,nadeem bhai brought for me,
and i promised to give her if my "wish " came true,
the wish did come true half,
istekhara became +ve,
but then.......
everything take a turn ,totaly diferent,
and i found myself into totaly unexpecting location...
the crystal ball smashed now...
i wil give the doll to zubda and wil tel her
that take it ,my wish fullfilled.
yes, im ending this all by myself too,
he is ending some thing and im ending something too,
v both are building a wall between us so v can never
c each other again,
he acted rudly and i lied him teling that i told sis hafsa that u got engaged,
he is right, its better to end this all.
i have been so stupid , trying to handle this all alone,
lets smack this all now,
since v all go to separate graves, so better to live a life
without any one's thought too,
nobody suppose to live with us forever,
v are young now, wil b among the senior citizens in future.
again a youth wil stand there to laugh at us old.
everything runs fastly towards mortality
only Allah swt suppose to live for ever,
and only that succeed who live a life in full of his obedience,
yes!nobody can justify his worship,
nobody is free of sins apart from Prophets ,
thats y v are "humans" not "angles"
thats y Allah swt has given us "humans" more value that the others creatures,
for v are free to do deeds,
unlike others,
wel foreget about it ,for whom im writing all this?
i dont know,
its just like , im put all of my tension here,
he was the only person i share my pain with ,
i had never ,nor wil like to trust any one again and share my secret with ,
its best to share our secrest with our selves and with Lord,
and stilswt is there not to taunt at u,
He loves us,
He love our tears ,
He loves the break hearts,
HE loves those who repents ,
He loves those who return to him with their heads bowed down
out of great humility ,
He loves me....
though i m not worthy of it but stl
i hope he love me.....
for He is the only one who knows me best...
this is the end of my diary ...
which started from pain and ending like that too.
but there s the difference,
im not as sad as past,
though silent and quiet but finding myself more mature,
ready for the future ups and downs...
life! it would b good if i died in my childhood
none wil bear lot of tensions and sadness because of me.......
but....
my life is amanah ,
but !oh yes! i have sleeping pills in my bag now,
got them from hospital when doc gave it to mother,
no!not thinking about suicide,
but what if i take just one,
for a sleep with no one's thought at all?
wel lets c what happens...
i think Allah swt forgive us ppl who are stil sticking with
Prophet's sunnah ,for v are oppressed one,
in all the universe, no place is there for a true muslim,
they are called with the bad names,
not only strangers and kaffir but also the "modern" muslim of todays
like to mock at them ...
y?
y no body c all that blood?
y no one listens to oppressed?
y the tyrants are taken as peace keepers?
y the world is so blind?
why
why?
why?
for how long this all wil keep moving?
hopefully oneday i wil b driving car,
towards my final destination,
.........
hopefully
inshaAllah taalah
..........
ordinary day...
mother is ,,,,,,,,, not so wel,
dont know what wil happen next.
how quickly v becomes strangers with each other,
human race!is just a dilemma
lot of things to say but
better to leave them ....
a storm and then quickly silence.
im wearing dark blue dress now,
and today i done a light makeup too,
less than 15 min.
but im not enjoying looking at myself ,
dont know y,
my heart is getting away from makeup
lot of time i have wasted in learning this art,
just a useless hobby like my remainings one
...
nothing special ...
dont know what wil happen next.
how quickly v becomes strangers with each other,
human race!is just a dilemma
lot of things to say but
better to leave them ....
a storm and then quickly silence.
im wearing dark blue dress now,
and today i done a light makeup too,
less than 15 min.
but im not enjoying looking at myself ,
dont know y,
my heart is getting away from makeup
lot of time i have wasted in learning this art,
just a useless hobby like my remainings one
...
nothing special ...
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