back..

im soo glad , finaly come back from hospital

nobody knows...

heart!
it has been broken in so many pieces that i think
i wil never be able to combine them again...

no! nothing else i wanna say ,
im a great sinner,
every one knows it too now,
24th!
yes im this now...

how more journey remains?...
nobody knows...
.....
nobody

only Allah swt knows best
....

silence...

yar dil bohot udas hay pata nahi kiyon,

bus kissi cheez may bhi maza nahi ata,sub kuch bayrang lagta hay ,

colorless or bilkul peekha .

even makeup looks so colorless.

pata nahi kiyon, dil per khamoshi chati ja rahi hay.

kahin dil nahi lagta.

dil khamosh hogaya hay, sochti hoon acha hota ager main kahin dunya say bohot door hoti, kisi jungle may ,bus siraf may or meray Allah taalah hotay or koi nahi , kitni haseen hoti na zindagi , jub koi gham na hota, nahi kisi ki judai ka na koi or bus siraf aik Allah swt ka gham hota, nahi abhi nahi ... shayed kuch waqat hay abhi rehta

kiyon, itni khamooshi kiyon hogaye hay? mout! kitni ajeeb shay hay na, judai! ussay bhi bara gham hay , zindagi bhi ajeeb shay hai, sari umer maqsood rehti hay mager jub mout ati hay tou sub kuch khamosh ho jata hay ,

kuch nahi ,bus kuch bhi nahi
, pehlay dil baychain rehta tha on his logging off
but now it remains quiet ,keep silent,
bus kuhc bhi nahi ,
i dont want to b a part of this world ,
 everything v touch just
her cheez bulbulay ki tarah suraj ki roshni may chamaknay k baad khattam hojati hay,
 bus siraf kuch dair rehti hay , ... her cheez fana hay ..... nahi dunya may koi hissa bhi nahi insaan ka, bus siraf Allah swt ki zaat baqi rehti hay ... i m fed off , just wanna tel everyone that ... i love all ,the only person i hate is myself.

things gone too worse

i was reading back to the last conversation v had...

and all that was so depressive,

he doesnt want me yet asks for the pics...
isnt its selfish i think...

wel i pray to Allah swt that help me to handle
this all in an islamic way...
and dont put me in his love so much that i start disobeying my Lord.

its ok for me....
let stop thinking about all this "love"
i think evil lies inside this love word.

ohkay!let me try to b patient..
sins are like this...its hard to get rid of them...

i longed for him ,....so what?
he said he lied to me and he wished for none...
im amazed...
so im nothing special to him just one of 100s,
he met in his life with.

its fine...
he said, u wil c u wil keep mailing me and i wont reply

and this is so true,
damn to time!
which  not passed quickly,...
it seems to me like a week has been passed since i didnt mail him
but when i count back its only a day...
...
his words are  proffing truth til now...

wel lets c what happens in future.

mother is not wel.
im depressed from her side..
so many hurdles ...with not a clear way to follow

may Allah swt removes this pain from mother
and gave her a longggggggggg healthy happy life
aameen sum aameen

nista...

what to write ,what to write aummm....

better not to write anything for,
i m realy not in mood.

hopefully mother wil b all well very soon inshaAllah taalah.

he is veryyyyyyyyyy angry ,i know it
i dont know what to do .

wel lets c what happens.

all is well.....

im in  a great trial,

i dont know what to do,

this is very tough

mind is full of confusion,

yes get free now,

im not geting from where to start,
just an infinite space is there,

.................
.........
i know when he displeased on something then
there are just two ways of his mood geting back good again,
either to fulfiled he demanded for
or .......
when he thought its better to end the anger now,

no other way, u cant bring him back in mood by other ways,
i think...

i wanna sleep now,
or maybe not,
suddenly feel tired and then quickly feel energetic.

hope mother wil be well very very soon
inshaAllah taalah

m so contented from inside,
chttan is so nice lady,
looking very caring ,polite and loving,
so it doesnt matter at al if v failed to meet khudanakhwasta
for in both cases he wil be very happy inshaAllah
either me or she,
it wil b equal for him,

he said me once that everyone loves the same way,
i didnt believe it before,
but now when i look around and observed,
i realized its so true,
every one loves the same way ,
so any other girl wil like him the same way as i do,
so no difference,
just faces wil be different but emotions behind them
wil be same,

i wish him best of luck ,
just best of luck,
may his fate b very shiny just like the
most brightest star on the sky,
full of happiness of both world just like rainbow colors
and piety and joy that tragvel through out his life with him
just like the fragrance of flower.
aameen sum aameen
birahmatika ya-arhamurrahimeen.

the truth is this that,
there remains no more emotions in my heart
its just like emptyness,
the reason of my anxiet and bopolarity was
the thought of to marry some one else,
but im contented now,
inshaAllah it wil not happen ,
i strongly strongly strongly
believe on Allah swt ,
who never leaves even his sinful slaves.

what else to write ......
ok im not getting,...

life turns very contented and peaceful
and calm
when one realize the power of Allah swt
and start trusting Him ,the all watcher
and most merciful towards his creatures,
for all the problems or matters  in life

O Allah swt! u r great!
no not great but greatest,
i dont worship u for u said it
but i worship u for u ought it,
its only u who ought to be worshipped
and who ought to b a God,
one and only God,
for u r not needy of anything,
Omnipotent ,great,
One and Only one,
i want u and love u
and i wish that
u may soon call back to u ,
i mean to jannah
i dont want to go to hell ,
for i meet devil daily ,
i dont want anymore to meet with him in hereafter in hell,
i dont miss him,
i only miss You, just you.
long departure is there,
i have been away from u for about 24 years
a decay!
wanna come back to u ,
in a way that u wil be pleased from me and i wil b pleased from u .
i know my love for u is so full of corouption
i disobey u while i claim i love u ,
but since u r Great!
so please forgive me ,
forgive this ignoble slave of urs
Please.......
i beg to You,
and comes to you while my tears have dried out,
and i find nothing precious to bring in ur court,
what all i have is just ur mercy
and also ...
ur Beloved's ummah is in such a meloncholic condition
i dont wanna b a spectator ,
watching al this tyranny silently
i cant and i dont want ......
...
O My Greatest Allah swt ...
gives health and long life to my parents...
and make my a.tr's life full of joy and imaan
and my siblings too
aameen sum aameen .

childhood...

bachpan k din bhi kitnay achay hotay thay...
tab tou sirf khilonay tota kertay thay...
ab tou ik anso bhi ruswa ker jata hay
bachpan may gee bher k roya kertay thay

:)

i wish.....

 yarr!!

this is not good,

u know wat!
when i saw him last?

it was late at night, of winter .
eshal was in my lap,
and i was looking at him,

he was looking.....

absolutly gorgeous,
i cant tel how much,
but that was the first and till now the last time
when he was realy looking like his uni. pic.

i often think he wil look more beautiful
and awesomeness in beard ,even  a short beard,
for whatever but beard is the sign of manliness
and it realy  bring a special kind of softness on face,
maybe because the beardline hide away or else
i dont know,

but i realy wish so much that only once
i may see how he might look in beard,
just like all face threading brings a hammer like look
on women's face same i think effects occur on men's face.

wel whatever,
i was saying that
i saw him last time that night
i was so much worried that night,
for i was unaware what istekhara might come,
and .............
let me not remember al that time.

how much Allah swt aids me,
and helps me in my woes,
i can just imagine
how great is my Lord!

i dont know when i wil b able to c him again,
he is so .......... adamantly behaving.
what i do now :(

just i wanna c him for 1 sec,
just once

he is so nice
mashaAllah
mashaAllah

dont wanna jinx him
i love his decent sense of humour,
they make me smile for long ,when ever comes in mind,
i stil think about "chattan " :)
may Allah swt bless him always and always
and all his dreams comes true in the best of way
with all the khair of both world,
aameen sum aameen

im sure

Allah swt sure listens our prayers,

im very sure about this.

but.........
ohhkay! let me not be worried

hasbunnallahi wa nai'mal wakeel
nai'emal maula wa nai'mal naseer.

world cant greed me..

today khala meena came,

she was last time requesting mother for the proposal,

brother started funning, but i

remained serious,

hopefully iqbal bhai wil soon get married with a gril
better than me in all aspects, inshaAllah taalah,

i dont know what mother was thinking on my serious mood,
maybe that i still wish for that person,
but she have no idea that all ended now,
so  no need for her to take tension.

and i just smile in the heart thinking that
are people stupid?
hope munnay bhai too wil soon fine a very good lady for him
inshaAllah
and both wil live happily ever after
inshaAllah

neither i deserve any nor i wish for any one else

he always remain special to me
inshAllah
hope i wil meet with him in jannah
inshaAllah .

i know he is not mine,
but stil i dont want any, dont even want to tthink about any,
his thoughts are so much to spend my life with
i cant be sincere with any one else,
for his thoughts wil keep disturbing me always

so better to live a single life,
and i dont need to be worried for it,
for my Allah swt wil surly aid me,
and support me inshaallah,

i have firm believe that prayers got accepted,

he wil alwys be in thought,
yes i have stopped longing for his mail,
he is not mine
nor can be,
he has gone

and its fine

y the sun not sets?

my heart is so full of tears,
but im controlling them,

yesterday was the news that there is nothing like cancer in mother
and thats just a lump
but again today v heared that ,no there is cancer but it havent spread to
other parts.

ami kal ye sun ker kitni khush hogye thi na,
mager aaj phir........

ab pata nahi agay kiya hoga,
i dont want to c my mother undergoing chemothraphy,
i think its a perfect time to quitely pass away from the world,
since ummah is also presenting a meloncholic pic,
i wanna cry now,
kafiron say tou gila kerna fazool hay,
jub musalman hi musalman per itna zulem ker daita hay
or wo bhi siref klma-e haq kehnay per tou phir kafir to door ki baat hay.

bus kuch samakj nahi ata,
ik jaan hi tou hoti hay dainay ki lie,
mager.........
wo bhi fazool hay,
meray paas kuch bhi nahi,
siwaye nakami or ghamon kay,
kash sub gham hotay mager ummet-e muslima ka gham na hota,
kash!!!...

no, let me write the truth ,
stil every moment i thnk about him,
i can imagine him sitting among the family
laughing and enjoying,
may more joy comes in his way
and stays forever in his both lifes
aameen sum aameen

may Allah swt bless all the muslims
aameen

kash insan itna baybas na hota
kash........

but im willing on Allah swt's will,
for even the Prophet pbuh life was full of troubles

memory remains....

i have no more this painting,

this is hanging now in the guest room of sis .

and i just feel good in my heart,
thinking that the names written on this wil remain for long,
as long as this painting wil remain.

wel yes thats true,
what remains back is just memories,

dont know..........

yar!!!!!!
bus kiyon kuch ajeeb si baychani hay,
im not understanding,

no!i must not cling with one who
dont need me any more,

i must control myself,
no!dont wanna talk about it ,
everything wil be fine,
i just wonder how much different v both are,
my busyness are never a hurdle in my way,
but ....

ok leave it,
i must b a good muslim again,

its all fine ,
its teaches me a good moral.
very good,
has made a fortress around my heart,
thats very helpful for heart purity which is essential for
a pious soul.

may Allah swt bless him always and always ,
with best of  health and iman
and he always live happily whereever he might be
aameen sum aameen
birahmatika ya arhaumr rahimeen

sure no complain,
for he is sure a true muslim.

there is something very good news
but not 100% confirm so wil write later.

........

tired...

im feeling so sleepy,

i know its just 7:20,
but im so sleepy.

i woke up early and didnt sleep for a sec,
stil dont know when wil sleep,

family is going to khala meena's home,
but im not going wil stay at home with brother,
hope i wil sleep in that time.

i just dont wanna go,
i dont want to go any where,

hey! i can type now without looking at keyboard,
though with not 100% precision but stil with 50% precision.

gotta go,
....
nothing else special today ,

yes one thing !
im becoming a loose temper person ,
i try my best to be nice and cool minded,
but now adays im geting fail in it,
i dont know whats wrong there.

sure something is there ,
but im not getting what it is putting me in short temper,
may Allah swt forgives me for hurting others feelings,
i feel very bad after i shout on my younger sisters,
but i care for them a lot,
but....
thats useless,
for
actions speaks louder than words.

no! just shut up,
i dont want to talk on this topic
so u better shut down dear heart!
:)

just build it up....

hey! i got a new idea,

its about my life,

i mean like every one knows when the life spend on some routine
then life becomes cheerful to spend,

im laying out my path,
jis per apni zindagi guzari jaye,

acha idea aya hay,

just a short one,
i mean
its this,
look for people and look for urself,

thats so great,

means all happy ,
God is happy and u r happy ,
:)
b dutiful to God, then serve his ibaads, then take care of ur ownself,
and i hope i can balance this,

sooooo....
whats the big plan!!!

wil wakup early again ,
after the namaz wont sleep
then wil make breakfast for parents,
then wil start jogging again,
and then
some works of sweeper :)
i mean mop and rop
and then upto mother, then to cooking,
then to mother again ,
then hope wil be free, and i wil have plenty of
projects to work on ,
basic project is my ownslef :)

a good face care then ,
something nice and unique and somewhat crazy to wear
or a crazy hairstyle,
then oh yes!makeup tutorial,

then again busy til night, spending time in serving others
as much as can do ,
then night,
then sleep after mother sleep ...
i wish may Allah swt make me persevered on this routine
or a one better than this
aameen sum aameen

ah!! im soo happy now
:)
for no reason
^_^

but ! :(
how i can be happy ,
since my mother is not happy and not well,
wel i hope and pray from Allah swt that she wil
inshaAllah
..........
i hope

y not to be our own friends ?...

yes, im free now,

at beginning i took all this like a burden , a great burden,
and the slogans of women's right keep moving in my mind,
and i think if v realy have no life ,
but hey! before i got on wrong track,
Allah swt guided me by correcting my thoughts

and i realy feel now like its all a fun,
a great fun,
its just like running a kingdom ,
or be a very special worker of a kigdom ,
the house kingdom :)

i dont think realy v need friends,
oh! i just rememberd now, i have to call my friends
or else they wil be very angry ,
no! there no other reason behind this friendship than a good intention.

wel leave it,
im my own best friend.
i realy dont need any one to share the happiness or joy or sorrow,
for i contain a world inside me right :)

i wonder y we make others so special ?
that v make ourselves slaves of them ?
i dont understand this trait of humans,

i think life is more great and cheerful when v
spend it with ourselves,
with us,
just us,
when v can feel the same joy in serving the Allah's creation,
then its useless to look for any one else,
there is nothing in it,
for nobody can realize ur sincerity behind it,
the people who are against this will take u as fool,
and the person u r in ,will treat u like a slave ,
so wherefore not to live the life with ourseleves?
i just wonder,
if mother sleep early tongith i wil too,
and then isnhaAllah hopefully wil wakeup more earlier.

i wish if only my life spent in serving my parents,
my mother and father,
its such a great life.
full of enthusiasm and so spirited .

i wathced today nice smoky makeup tutorials,
i wil do one when wil have plenty of time,
have to go to c whats mother doing.

i broke my thumb nail,
from previous weeks im under sever hurting,
sometimes either the elbow got hitted with something so badly
and again and again from same spot
and etc

sue these small pains are the charity of big pains.

aumm what else,
im not getting,
i just wonder who knew that i wil be so busy one day,
that so m any of my hobbies wil get demonised :)
but not at all,
i wil go now and wil do a nice facial massage ,
i dont know whether it works or not ,but
it make me feel very good and lively,
:)

spending sometime with urself is so good.
its rejuvenate me

ok ,let me not waste my more time

better to go now,

but i dont want to call my friends,
thats take lottt of time ,
hummm, wel its ok,
its good to waste some hours rarely in talking with friends,
i think..
:)

no matter how many years may passed by,
no matter how the time wove on our faces,
the child inside us wil never get old...
and it wil keep giggling and laughing
even on stupid things.....

i think.......